I need a running back to cover a bye week. I could pick up Chester Taylor for a week, or I’ve been proposed a trade of Lee Evans and Matt Forte for T.J. Houshmandzadeh. I don’t know what to do, after this weekend, he’s hard to let go…

Jeff - Fitchburg, MA

Exactly, he’s hard to let go after this weekend. Then, next week you’ll be begging people to take him because he’s stuck on the maddeningly inconsistent Bengals. Carson Palmer hasn’t fully regained his normal capabilities after his injury, and the team is simply a mess of unhappy players, betrayed coaches, inept GMs, frustrated superstars and Halloween costumes for uniforms. Do yourself a favor, and unload T.J. for two guys who will be much more consistent, even though either one of those players may not outscore him by themselves this season. Stop the insanity of paying attention to the Bengals games on Sundays and you’ll sleep much better at night.

You had St. Louis winning the NFC West and Tennessee finishing last in the AFC South. Now that the Rams are 0-3 and the Titans are 3-0, do you want to use this opportunity to defend yourself?

Todd - Falmouth, MA

I’m done defending the Rams, so I’ll explain the Titans. First of all, they have beaten two incompetent teams in Cincinnati and Houston. Secondly, I made that prediction under the assumption that Vince Young would be their quarterback for the entire season. Now, that’s not to say Kerry Collins should have the starting job, or is even a middle-of-the-road quarterback, but he’s not as boneheaded as Young and is good for a few less mistakes per game.

Additionally, their defense is better than I, or anyone else for that matter, expected. 8′9″ 560 lb. nose tackle Albert Haynesworth is at the top of his game, and D-Back Cortland Finnegan is developing into one of the best cornerbacks in the league. With the decline of Champ Bailey, I’m tempted to move him into top-2 area with Antonio Cromartie… But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Tennessee still has a long road ahead of them, Indy will only get better, same with Jacksonville, and Houston looks like they’re already done. So, for every star defensive player fighting to win the division, there is a Kerry Collins itching to throw a crippling interception and give it away.

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So here we are again… Another late article, another confused, bewildered and exasperated writer.And now… the picks…Cleveland (+3 1/2) at CincinnatiThe worst part about these two awful defenses and laughably inconsistent offenses squaring off on Sunday, is the brewing coaching controversy in Cleveland. Not that Romeo, whom I really like, will be losing his job, but that countless writers and TV analysts will be misusing the word “wherefore” in respect to his impending firing. Not only will newspapers and post game shows be littered with “Wherefore will Romeo go after Cleveland” headlines, and others of the same type, but it’s a given that they will never be corrected either. Some things just get under my skin.
Pick: BengalsHouston (+7) at Jacksonville

It seems Houston has finally found themselves a running back in Steve Slaton that can shoulder a workload needed to take the pressure off Andres Johnson and Davis. Maybe, just maybe that means they’ll become the sleeper team I predicted at the beginning of the season. It could happen. No seriously, it could!
Pick: Jaguars

Minnesota (+3) at Tennessee

Since both of these teams specialize in stopping the run, this game may very well come down to a shootout between Gus Frerotte and Kerry Collins. Until this point, the two of them were most famous for having names that either looked completely wrong every time you typed them out, or looked like a girl’s name. Now, they have a chance to live in glory in what could be the best game of the day. Or, it could be the absolute worst and most boring game ever aired on television. Either way…

Pick: Titans

Denver (-9) at Kansas City

This is the game that for some reason CBS thought Patriots fans should be watching in the Pats’ absence. Yeah, I’m not sure about that. What I am sure of however, is that Larry Johnson finally got going last week after he demanded more carries from Herm Edwards. If Damn Huard (Assuming this is the quarterback the Chiefs have settled on this week, but is subject to change) can manage the game getting the ball to Tony Gonzalez, Dwane Bowe and not fumble on the way to Johnson, they should be able to protect a 5-point-loss at home.

Pick: Chiefs

San Francisco (+5) at New Orleans

Can I use this opportunity to ask a question? San Francisco looks like they’ve finally found a bona fide star at quarterback; someone they can truly model their team around. He has made productive receivers out of guys whose names he may not even know. So, I ask you… Where is Vernon Davis in all of this? All we heard coming out of college is how this guy was the next Antonio Gates, now his fantasy owners couldn’t sell him for a bag of chips to watch the game with. That is so disappointing, that I’m going to select his team anyway.Pick: 49ers

Arizona (+1 1/2) at New York Jets

If New England beat the Jets, and Miami lost to Arizona, and New England lost to Miami, then by the transitive property… No one takes these teams seriously yet anyway…

Pick: Cardinals

Green Bay (+1) at Tampa Bay

When I was just a little guy, about 15 years ago, my father worked at an electrical supply company which did a company-wide pool in which the employees picked five games against the spread. My father always did a couple of sheets, my mother did one, and I did one as well. Even as a 10-year-old boy, I remember my mother’s weekly advice, which she assured me never failed: “Never bet the Bay teams.”

I don’t know why she had this disdain for these teams, besides the fact Tampa Bay was so bad for years previously. In the weeks we were forced to do a “Pick-all,” my mother was driven insane by the problem created by the two teams playing each other. Often times she would simply pick the home team, under protest, and complain about it for the rest of the card.

There is no point to this story, I’m just wasting time because I don’t know who to select. But, seriously, who doesn’t like a story of someone’s mother hating on NFL teams for absolutely no reason.

Pick: Packers

Atlanta (+7) at Carolina

How the Falcons’ fortunes change based on Michael Turner and Matt Ryan:

Game 1 (Win): 220 rush yards, 2 TDs; 161 pass yards, 1 TD, 0 Int 137.0 QB Rat.

Game 2 (Loss): 42 rush yards, 0 TDs; 158 pass yards, 0 TD, 2 Int 29.6 QB Rat.

Game 3 (Win): 103 rush yards, 3 TDs; 192 pass yards, 1 TD, 0 Int 120.6 QB Rat.

If we’re alternating games, it would seem the bad game would be on deck. Since the two wins were against the all-star defenses of Detroit and Kansas City, and since I personally believe Carolina’s defense is getting wildly overrated…

Pick: Falcons

San Diego (-7 1/2) at Oakland

Unbelievably, Al Davis seems to have put together a relatively decent team for 2008 despite his crazy picks in recent years. Actually, no one has survived such an insanely dangerous selection this well since John McCain selected Sarah Palin. Darren McFadden is expected to start, and they’re a home underdog. A Norv Turner team covering 8 points on the road in a hostile environment? Yeah, I’m betting that…
Pick: Raiders

Buffalo (-8) at St. Louis

I really wish someone had come up to me before I wrote my predictions article, and told me that this St. Louis team wouldn’t attempt to stop the run this year, in addition to benching starting quarterback Marc Bulger (Lifetime QB Rating 87.6, lifetime concussions: 0) for Trent Green (Lifetime QB Rating 86.9, lifetime concussions: 87.6), and put him behind an offensive line that couldn’t keep a Jehovah’s Witness out of their own homes, I’m pretty sure I could have resisted the urge to call them division winners. Despite the Rams being a home dog, they’re still on my “Don’t Place Money on This Team Under any Circumstances” list… Jerks.

Pick: Bills

Washington (+11) at Dallas

Just a warning for those of you planning to watch this game in its entirety on television: Prepare for 2 1/2 - 3 hours of ranting and raving about the high quality teams in the NFC East. Included in this endless discussion will include, but are not limited to, the following:

1. How Jason Campbell is developing into a star, and joining the ranks of the best division of quarterbacks in the NFL.

2. How Tony Romo has a plethora of weapons, a stockpile of receiving threats, an overabundance of talent, an excess of pro-bowlers, and an unfair overabundance of fantastically talented receivers, gifted route-running tight-ends, and powerful, versatile running backs that may or may not be the best the Cowboys have had since 1947.

3. How the Super Bowl winner will undoubtedly come from the NFC East, and how it could be either one of these two teams, although it could only actually be the ‘Boys.

4. How Clinton Portis is running “Like a man on a mission,” “With the utmost determination,” “With purpose,” and “Like a bat out of hell.”

Save yourself the John McCain-style repetitive rhetoric, and assume the Cowboys will win by ten in a high scoring affair, and the boys at Guinness may have to be reached at home to check the actual figures for the record number of generic football colloquialisms made over the course of a four quarter game.
Pick: Redskins

Philadelphia (-3) at Chicago

I love Philadelphia this year. DeSean Jackson might be my favorite rookie, and he’s already driven me (and about 2.3 million other people) completely insane with his premature spikeulation in the best game of the season so far. Donovan McNabb is again on his pre-injury roll, Brian Westbrook is Brian Westbrook, and the latest gossip is receiver Hank Baskett has recently bagged former “Girls Next Door” star Kendra Wilkinson. There’s a lot to love about the Eagles, for sure. But home dogs with great defenses? Even more to love there…
Pick: Bears

Baltimore (+5 1/2) at Pittsburgh

Rashard Mendenhall will start for the injured Willie Parker this week, and already sabotaged himself by text messaging Ravens running back Ray Rice, informing him of his intentions to run up his own fantasy scores. Nothing helps your own cause in your debut as an NFL starter like giving the other team bulletin board material and painting a gigantic bull’s eye on the back of your helmet. Way to go, Rashard. On the other hand, it might be a good time to start looking into trades for the guy in your fantasy league. He’s going to start this week, and FastWillie’s got a knee injury, which always heal up in a few days for running backs, right? He may not rock the fantasy world this week, but the kid’s got too much talent not to succeed in Pittsburgh as a starter. Even if it is temporary.

Pick: Steelers

Last Week:
Me: 11-5
LVK: 11-5

Season:
Me: 24-22
LVK: 28-18

I have to apologize, first and foremost, for disappearing for a few days. I had some stuff to sort out in my life. They include, but are not limited to, the following:

1. Coping with the fact I have no idea what I’m doing with these Vegas picks. I’m a combined 13-17 (.434) after the first two weeks, and my girlfriend is 17-13 (.567). This is tormenting. I sit down, I research, I look at home teams, starting quarterbacks, who can stop the run, actual matchups, and I couldn’t pick my nose if my finger was a 43-point-underdog. Now, Leah the Vegaskiller won’t even let me in on her strategy! The worst part of her not telling me how she makes her picks, is that I think I actually want to know.

Although it might be absolutely devastating to me to know Vegaskiller went four picks better than me on Sunday because she chose a certain team because she remembers them going to the playoffs in 2003, I still want to know. This, above all else, makes me feel terrible about myself and sports in general.

2. I recently ended a three year relationship with the St. Louis Rams. We’ve been “sleeping together” for quite a while now. And, despite my urging them to stop sleeping, wake up, and surprise the world like I’ve said they would, they’ve continued to get blown out at home, and having their lunch money stolen in front of the girls they have crushes on while on the road.

If I actually cared about this team on a fan level, I would be absolutely suicidal. They have literally gone from the brink of a dynasty before getting sniped by the Patriots in 2001, to the laughing stock of one of the worst divisions in football. I’d go into further detail, but I wouldn’t want to force the medical examiner to have to walk into such a grotesque scene as when my head explodes onto my desk and laptop.

3. I’m getting a sneaking suspicion that the United States of America secretly wants to sabotage itself. In the span of a few weeks, John McCain picked a vice presidential nominee that most people can agree was a horrendous decision. Little experience, crazed Christian views which are at the very LEAST polarizing by their very nature, a shared belief with her church that dinosaurs existed as recently as 4,000 years ago (about when the pyramids were constructed), a known history of pursuing vendettas and… well let’s just leave it at that. Now, although even most republicans I speak to say this was a bad choice, John McCain has gained in polls, and women around the country are buying Tina Fey glasses and getting their hair styled just like the Alaskan Governor (who, by the way, traveled outside of the U.S. for the first time last year).

Stop me when I step out of the boundaries of truth here, but are we just asking for it now? John McCain has a frighteningly high probability of dying within the next four years of his life, and we’d have President Palin, “First Dude” Todd Palin and children named after the first syllables of all the subjects the Old Testament Sex Symbol studied at all five of the colleges she attended inhabiting the White House. Those cold chills running down your back? Yeah, I’ve had those for weeks now…

WEEK TWO!

I have had the same best friend, Chris, for about 15 years now, and he recently relocated to Portland, Oregon for reasons that may never be clear to me. While I got the choice of watching Indianapolis at Minnesota or the Rams get blown out by the Giants, he was stuck with the KC/Oakland game, whose quarterbacks at halftime were a combined 5/27 and were forced to punt approximately 57 times. At one point, the exasperated Chris reported the game was “just brutal” after the Chiefs screwed up trying to down a kickoff, giving the Raiders the ball.

While I watched Peyton Manning lead a 4th quarter game-tying drive, Kansas City was getting literally lulled to sleep to the tune of 16-0. I did not envy those of you watching in the Pacific time zone.

Bits and pieces from the day:

• Matt Cassel was very, very good in his debut as a starter. With Brady-esque efficiency (Yeah, I said it!) he marched the Pats up and down the field, maintaining the excellent field position that Stephen Gostkowski (The most frequently mispronounced name in the NFL, as well as the most underrated kick-off specialist) gave them throughout the game. The only problem I had with the Patriots in this game was in their first drive, when Cassel had led them all the way down the field to the Jets’ 3. On third and goal, the Patriots get into a shotgun formation that scares the Jets into a timeout. Then, after the break in the action, the Pats go with a run up the gut into heavy traffic that gets stuffed short. I could be wrong, but having Cassel take a shot at Randy Moss in the end zone would have done wonders for his confidence as a starter. But, what do I know? Vegaskiller should tell me what the best call is in that situation.
• Adalius Thomas completed one of the greatest sacks in the history of the game in the fourth quarter of this game that didn’t get nearly enough replay time on Sportscenter. With 3:45 remaining in the game, he chased Brett Favre 20 yards deep in the pocket, then made an arm tackle of him THROUGH Leon Washington who was attempting to block Thomas. The three of them fell to the ground in all their glory just short of a humiliating safety.
• The thing people are missing about this “Gutsy call to go for 2″ by Mike Shanahan against the Chargers this weekend was how it was the classy thing to do. Shanahan, along with everyone else in the world, knew he got a crazy break, and gave the Chargers every opportunity to steal back the game. He even ran the same play twice in a row so he wouldn’t be surprising them! However, the way it turned out, this classy move ended up being hilariously insulting when Jay Cutler completed the exact same pass to Eddie Royal. Because there is so much luck involved in the Sudden Death version of overtime the NFL employs, Shanahan chose to say “let’s play this out right here and now” with a battle of wits between him and Norv Turner. Of course, a battle of wits between Mike Shanahan and Norv Turner is like a slam dunk contest between Shawn Kemp and Verne Troyer. And a slam dunk, it was. By the time Royal had the 7th and 8th points of the last 12 seconds of the game, Norv’s catatonic expression summed up the Chargers’ chances this season: Non-existent.
• I know I covered this already, but I’m done with the Rams. Officially, and forever. They’ve had more than enough chances and they just keep screwing up and making complete fools of themselves. If the NFL were American Idol, the Rams would be in the episode with the collection of all the worst auditions. I swear I saw Oshiomogho Atogwe allow Plaxico Burress to stroll into the endzone as if he were holding the door open for him. After this 1st TD, St. Louis and New York exchanged a pair of field goals each, and the Rams went into the half down 13-6. After failing to add a single point in the 3rd, but giving up another 7 to New York, the Rams finally scored on a 45 yard lucky-tip ridiculous touchdown pass from Marc Bulger to Torry Holt. This was the break the Rams needed. I could feel it. Then, just a couple of minutes later, the Giants answered with a touchdown of their own. A 20-13 game still up for grabs was now a tough, uphill passage of 27-13. Then, Marc Bulger passed to a Giants defensive tackle, and what was supposed to be one of the fastest offenses in the league couldn’t catch a 275 pound Justin Tuck for 41 yards on his way to a touchdown. After I smash my head on my desk for a few minutes, I’ll come to, and finish this article.

Before I move onto the picks from this week, I’m going to let you know what I’m doing. I’m going to analyze these games, predict a score, then choose the opposite team from what my instinct tells me. I’m under .500 so far, I’m going to try anything to get better.

Now, the picks…

Oakland (+9 1/2) at Buffalo

Buffalo’s at home, Oakland’s down one cranium from its two-headed monster of Justin Fargas and Darren McFadden with Fargas’s injury which will keep him out Sunday. With Buffalo developing a dangerously consistent offense, they should be able to keep a bad Oakland team on its heels all day.
Pick: Raiders

Cincinnati (+13 1/2) at New York Giants

However terribly Cincy is performing at the moment, I can’t see a Housh/Johnson/Palmer/Perry offense being kept down forever, and a 14 point spread could be just the motivation they need. If this were New England, the “disrespect” from this spread would have Rodney Harrison punching out car windows until the Patriots won 6 games in a row. Of course, the Bengals don’t have quite the leadership of the Patriots. Or the Giants. Or the intramural flag football I played for in college.
Pick: Giants

Tampa Bay (+3) at Chicago

After Tampa Bay didn’t make a serious play for Brett Favre because they had Jeff Garcia at quarterback, they’ve now given his job away to Brian Griese because of a mild ankle sprain that kept Garcia out for the first two weeks (despite his claim that he was able to play in week 2). Now, Tampa Bay will take its abomination of an offensive attack on the road against a defense full of guys who simply love to take the ball away. Chicago’s defense may very well outscore everyone in this game.
Pick: Bucs (This isn’t getting any easier… All I want to do is trust my picks and I can’t do it…)

Houston (+5) at Tennessee

Everything about this game smells of a Houston road victory. Tennessee is starting Kerry Collins, who won’t throw as many interceptions as Vince Young (but hey, who can?), but isn’t exactly my idea of a quarterback who will lead his team to victory against a division rival starved for their first victory. No way Tennessee covers this spread.
Pick: Titans

Arizona (+3) at Washington

The Cardinals have looked like one of the top teams in the NFC this season, and seem destined to take their division for the first time since… Jeez… I have no idea.
Pick: Redskins

Carolina (+3 1/2) at Minnesota

Adrian Peterson is hurt (again) and Carolina seems to be playing great football for no reason whatsoever. The Panthers get their sucker-punching star receiver back this week, just in time to ruin the chemistry of an upstart 2-0 team about to play a tough road game. Although the Vikings had a terrible passing defense last year, Jared Allen against the offensive line of the Panthers would figure to be a mismatch of epic proportions. The Men in Purple still have Chester Taylor, however, and Carolina’s Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams are forming quite a dangerous duo in the backfield. Have I gone back and forth enough yet? Advantage: Vikings.
Pick: Panthers

Kansas City (+5 1/2) at Atlanta

After Kansas City and Oakland played one of the worst games of the last five years last week, KC and Atlanta figure to break the eight-year mark this week. With Michael Turner coming back down to Earth and Jerious Norwood continuing to get wrongly ignored by the Falcons’ offensive coordinator, Atlanta is now evolving into the incompetent group of kids we all thought they would be. Larry Johnson is jawing his way out of a job in Kansas City, so he may have to put up, shut up or ship out in the not-so-distant future. Look for this game to be his breakout, and for him to personally break the back of the Falcons’ defense.
Pick: Falcons

Miami (+9 1/2) at New England

What a difference beating Brett Favre makes. A week ago, the New York Jets were being hailed for their brilliant off-season acquisitions and overnight became the favorites to win the AFC East. Then, getting picked and pecked to death at the hands of the Matt Cassel-led Patriots, they’ve dropped back down, and the Patriots are back up to being double-digit favorites in games againt division rivals. As much as I love them, and do NOT think they’re in trouble, that’s simply too many points for a guy in his second career start.
Pick: Patriots

New Orleans (+5 1/2) at Denver

I’m simply not going to pick against Denver at home this season. Between their two top receivers, their emerging star quarterback (did you hear he has his diabetes under control now?) and their running-back-by-committee, smorgasbord collection of four fantasy team-killing running backs who will combine to rush for 2,300 yards and 18 touchdowns of no use to anyone in the fantasy world. Now that I’m done ranting, I’ll pick Denver and be done with it.
Pick: Saints

Detroit (+4) at San Francisco

Last week San Francisco’s J.T. O’Sullivan (Winner of this year’s ‘Name That Sounds Like He Should Be Playing Across The Country As Close To South Boston As Possible’ award) outplayed Matt Hasselbeck, and Frank Gore rushed for half the yards of Julius Jones. Yeah, that went according to plan. Since these may be the two most poorly managed teams in the history of… well the last ten years… I’m glad I’m picking my games backward. Tie of terrible teams goes to the home team.
Pick: Lions

St. Louis (+9 1/2) at Seattle

I honestly don’t know what to do here. I can’t possibly defend another St. Louis pick, but that would mean picking them because it’s the opposite of what I want. In order to avoid throwing a remote control through either the sheetrock in my living room or my television set, I’m going to just go ahead and exempt this game from my rules of the week. There’s no way you’re getting me to pick the Rams again. No way.
Pick: Seahawks

Pittsburgh (+3 1/2) at Philadelphia

Three years ago, this would have been the perfect situation for Pittsburgh. They are winning, and Ben Roethlisberger hasn’t had to do much at all. However, last season Big Ben threw 32 touchdown passes, and he’s now among the elite QBs in the league. This team can no longer survive simply running the ball, playing good defense and hoping Roethlisberger doesn’t have to actually earn a paycheck in any manner. Since he’s out, this angry Philly team in front of its home crowd will cover the 3 1/2, and then some.
Pick: Steelers

Jacksonville (+5) at Indianapolis

If all those TV analysts thought Jacksonville was going to be angry about losing in week 1, and so hungry that they’d push the Bills around en route to a 1-1 record, they must be starving and furious this week. Jacksonville always plays Indy tough, but this team has a lot of work to do before it can beat a quality team like the Colts. And by work to do, of course, I mean start handing the ball off to their fantastic tandem of running backs. As a matter of fact, it’s not a lot of work at all. Just stop making David Garrard win every game for you.
Pick: Jaguars

Cleveland (+2 1/2) at Baltimore

As I was about to type my first line of pithy analysis about this game, Ben Folds Five’s song “The Battle of Who Could Care Less” started playing on my iTunes. I swear that happened. And if you don’t believe me… I’m sure you couldn’t care less anyway.
Pick: Ravens

Dallas (-3) at Green Bay

Easily the most interesting game on this weekend’s schedule, and should definitely be the most entertaining. And that’s just NBC’s plan to have Jessica Simpson try to point out Green Bay on a map at halftime. The game should be pretty interesting too. Since Green Bay is the only home underdog on the board this week, they’re sure to land me the victory against LV (Leah Vegaskiller) I’ve been looking for.
Pick: Cowboys

New York Jets (+9) at San Diego

No Ladainian, an 0-2 record and Norv Turner, and you’re favored by 9 over a team led by Brett Favre seething over a game they know they should have won against the Patriots? Sure, you can say the Chargers are seething over last week too, but A.) Do you think Norv Turner even remembers that at this point? and B.) It’s going to take a natural disaster or another string of devastating forest fires to wake this Chargers team up from their off-season coma. And, in case you haven’t heard, LDT isn’t playing.
Pick: Chargers

I’ll never be so happy to go 0-16 in my entire life. I understand there is an incredible amount of luck that goes along with picking games against the spread, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about picking the Chargers, Giants, Bucs, Redskins or Titans. Well, that’s my plan and I’m sticking to it. Tune in early next week for the recap, as well as answers to some emails dealing with fantasy advice and trade suggestions. Thanks for reading, and happy gambling.

Last week: 6-8

Season: 13-17

LV: 17-13

Don’t forget to email any and all fantasy queries to bobby@sportsomedy.com to have your questions answered on Tuesday!

Before we start with this week’s picks, here is an email that’s long overdue to the site:

“I love your comparison of Dave Roberts ‘I’m doing this whether you like it or not’ face to Arnold in Terminator 2, but didn’t you miss a perfect chance to bash Kobe Bryant here? Was it just too inappropriate, or just an oversight? After your Celtics beat them in the finals, wouldn’t it just be a great addition of an insult to another insult?”

You know… You just can’t hit all the jokes. You’ve got me there, that’s way better than my Arnold joke.

By the way, I’ve received a couple emails asking if I’m going to keep track of how my girlfriend does on her picks and let it be known publicly so I can be ridiculed if I don’t win. My answer? You asked for it, you’ve got it. I may even let her go on a one-paragraph rant as the season goes on before she makes her picks too. Is it completely stealing Bill Simmons’ idea? Well, yeah of course. But I don’t think it’s illegal to steal column formats, so I think I’m in the clear. When people start copyrighting the way they pick their games against the spread, then we’re all in trouble.

One more thing before we get started: I’m already over my loss of Tom Brady, both from my favorite football team and my $200 auction league team. I like Cassel, more than a lot of other Patriots fans do. I love his cannon for an arm, I love his confidence and rapport with the receivers, and I love Belichick’s ability to get the most out of all of his players. There will be a lot of dink-and-dunk screens and smash-mouth running from the Patriots, more nail-biting to the point of bleeding finishes, and a couple more losses, but I still truly believe this will be a rewarding season for the Patriots. With a little luck, a defense that gets hot at the right time, and good health for the offensive and defensive lines, I may not even have to change my prediction of this year’s Super Bowl champion. Remember, Brady won three Super Bowls without receivers even half the quality of Welker and Moss. Okay, I’m going nuts, and my brain might be bleeding. Don’t listen to anything I say.
Now, on with the picks…

Tennessee (+1) at Cincinnati

I have no idea what to make out of either of these teams. Tennessee comes out with a phenomenal game in which it upset the team favored to win the division by many experts (Jacksonville). Cincinnati comes out with a stinker in which their star quarterback threw for some pitiful amount of yardage, no touchdowns and a pick, losing to the lowly Baltimore Ravens whose quarterback may or may not have played for the Baltimore Colts at some point. Now Vince Young (hurt feelings) is out for at least this game, maybe more, and I can’t decide if that’s good or bad for this team. I have a shiny, circular object spinning through the air which will assist me in picking this game: Heads… Titans… Tails…
Pick: Bengals

Green Bay (-1) at Detroit

Detroit must have impressed a lot of people with their 13-point loss to a rookie quarterback/coach combination in week 1 to be getting just one point at home against Green Bay. If I lose this pick, I’m calling shenanigans…
Pick: Packers

New Orleans (E) at Washington

New Orleans will sorely miss their last-round star receiver Marques Colston against a terrific Washington secondary. Then again, Washington must miss not having a single receiver capable of turning in consecutive decent games. By the way, Sedrick Ellis was a fantastic pick for this Saints team. They may just limit Clinton Portis to 150 rushing yards in this win.
Pick: Saints

Oakland (+3 1/2) at Kansas City

Let’s see if Bernard Pollard gets the same result when he dives head-first, head-down at 260lb. quarterback JaMarcus Russell of Oakland. Odds are he’ll suffer a serious neck injury or worse by a stampede of crazed Oakland Raider fans dressed like the Road Warriors charging out of the stands screaming “DIRTY! DIRTY!!”
Pick: Chiefs

Chicago (+3) at Carolina

YES! Now here is something that never happens. Two 9(+) point underdogs from the NFC upset AFC powerhouses in week 1, then meet each other in week 2 so we can tell exactly how good they are. This is just fantastic. My prediction? You’ll be scratching your head by the third quarter wondering where Steve Smith, Rex Grossman, Bernard Berrian, Thomas Jones, DeShaun Foster and any other fantasy studs from two years ago disappeared to. Then, you’ll laugh as Adrian Peterson fumbles the ball into his own end zone on consecutive possessions and Jake Delhomme completes 18 passes to his tight ends for 22 yards resulting in two 50+ yard field goals. Yeah. There’s no way to predict this game. They say defense wins championships, let’s hope they cover spreads too…
Pick: Bears

New York Giants (-8 1/2) at St. Louis

What happened to these Rams? They’re healthy, right? They don’t have that “We have no starting offensive linemen” excuse anymore, so seriously, what gives? When Marc Bulger, Torry Holt, Steven Jackson and Randy McMichael can’t score more than 1 touchdown even in garbage time of a blowout, it’s time to pick a new career path. Or maybe I’ve just severely overrated the Rams. AGAIN.
Pick: Rams

Buffalo (+5 1/2) at Jacksonville

Buffalo, fresh off a brutal beating of Seattle’s “Buddy Hasselbeck and the Crickets” version of what, when healthy, is a formidable group of receivers, will have to travel to Jacksonville to take on a very good, very angry group of Jaguars. Jacksonville is a running team, and if the Titans do one thing well, it’s stop the run. So after Tennessee edged out the JJ’s on their last drive last week, the Jags will be happy to take their dynamic duo of MJD and Fred Taylor down the throat of the Bills’ defense.
Pick: Jaguars

Indianapolis (-2) at Minnesota

Indianapolis looked positively pitiful against a Bears team led by Kyle Orton and let a rookie running back in his NFL debut run pretty much wherever he wanted to. This is not exactly the type of game that bodes well for an upcoming road game at Minnesota with the most hyped second-year running back of all time. If Peyton Manning is too hurt to get out of Jared Allen’s warpath, the Colts don’t stand a chance.
Pick: Vikings

San Francisco (+7) at Seattle

Without running back Maurice Morris or wideout Bobby Engram, Nate Burleson out for the year, and Lofa Tatupu set to go after having a cast put on his thumb and his right knee drained (How can someone be “Probable” in that condition??), the Seahawks are in trouble against a very quickly improving San Francisco team.
Pick: 49ers

Atlanta (+7) at Tampa Bay

I’m overanalyzing the first game of the season, and I don’t even care: I think Matt Ryan is the real deal, I think Jerious Norwood is going to have the greatest season nobody notices this year, and I think Tampa Bay will be horribly overrated again this year. Tampa Bay may eek this game out, but they’re not besting the new-look Falcons by a touchdown. No way.
Pick: Falcons

Miami (+6 1/2) at Arizona

Is it just me, or does Miami, getting less than 7, on the road, a season after going 1-15, against a team with a swarming (complimentary term for a defense that runs all over the field with no real plan) defense, two stud receivers, a quietly great running back and Kurt Warner two weeks before he screws everything up make no sense at all? I’m going to keep quiet and hope no one else notices this…
Pick: Cardinals

San Diego (-1 1/2) at Denver

If I have to listen to another TV or radio host explain to me how Jay Cutler is a better quarterback now because he has his diabetes under control, I’m going to develop diabetes. However, Denver in their very beneficial home stadium, with his #1 receiver coming back, and Norv Turner not having 4 full weeks to remember how to game plan, this doesn’t look good for the Chargers.
Pick: Broncos

Baltimore (+4 1/2) at Houston

Anger Pick (n): A selection of a team against a Las Vegas determined spread based on raw emotion, such as hatred for a specific team and/or player, as opposed to actual sports knowledge.
Pick: Texans

New England (+1 1/2) at New York Jets

Okay. I have to hold back on my crazed homerisms here, but look: The Patriots love it, LOVE it, when they’re doubted, underdogged, and “disrespected.” Everyone knows Rodney Harrison has been pacing in the locker room screaming “They don’t think we can do it! No one thinks we can win!” for 159 consecutive hours. It may be the dangerously psychotic Patriot fan inside of me, but I see Brett Favre getting sacked 8 times, throwing 6 interceptions and Matt Cassel throwing for 8 touchdowns in a 112-3 rout. Either that, or Belichick out-thinks Mangini again, and screens, smashmouths and bombs-to-Moss the heck out of the Jets for 60 minutes. I’ve invented about 20 words in this paragraph and I can’t think about the Patriots anymore. I’m done.
Pick: Patriots

Pittsburgh (-6) at Cleveland

I smell a smokeshow going down in Cleveland on Sunday. It’s almost depressing how badly Cleveland missed their stop on the Derek Anderson train. Now they’re forced to wait for a stop with the easiest access back to Brady Quinn and a draft pick for the train. All they needed to do was get off at the right stop and they could have had a great life in the town of Quinn+1st round pick. That metaphor stopped making sense a long time ago.
Pick: Steelers

Philadelphia (+7) at Dallas

I personally cannot wait for this Monday Night Football game. It seems like Donovan McNabb and Terrell Owens have met 100 times since they parted ways in Philadelphia, but finally both teams are healthy and complete enough to actually compete for a Super Bowl title. This game will finally transcend these two players and be simply a great matchup between contending teams. To add to my excitement, they gave one of these teams seven points in what should be one of the most competitive games of the season! YES!
Pick: Eagles