So I’ve now seen parts of 3 Trailblazers games.  I’m not a huge basketball fan, but I understand the game and feel like I’m capable of writing an article about a team I will barely watch.  Here are my notable potables from the first week of the season:

1.  Greg Oden.  He went down with an ankle injury in the first quarter of opening night against the Lakers.  I could hear a collective groan throughout the northwest.  Apparently it’s only a foot sprain and shouldn’t keep him out of the lineup long, but it’s clear he’s not a durable player.  I’ve never seen him play healthy, even in college, and am going to call him a bust until further notice.

2.  Brandon Roy.  This guy will make or break the Blazers this year.  In game 1 against the Lakeshow, he must have had double vision because he was nowhere near the rim.  Against the Spurs, Roy controlled the game contributing 26 points and 7 assists (a phenomenal win by the way - SA shot 57% from the floor and still got beat).

3.  LaMarcus Aldridge.  This guy has a pretty jump shot for a big man.  Amare Stoudamire struggled to cover him in the Suns matchup, refusing to give Aldridge respect from the 15′ to 18′ range. 

4.  Joel Przybilla.  This guy is a good quick rebounder and a gutsy defensive player and from what I understand, earned his stripes last year in that role.  He’ll be a major contributer this year.

5.  Rudy Fernandez.  I don’t know anything about this guy.  He’s a rookie who put up 20 points against the Suns, so I’ll keep an eye out for him.

Bottom Line.  Without Greg Oden playing up to expectations (or playing at all), this team is going to be average.  They’ll make the playoffs, but there’s no title run without a big man.  Hopefully he pulls his act together and guts it out, because otherwise I’m not going to be excited about writing this article, and I want to be excited.

What’s a baseball? 

There are no sports in Oregon.

As an ex-patriot of New England (when it comes to sports, New England is its own country, so the term ex-patriot is accurately used here), I’ve found the folk here don’t quite have the passion of the Boston sports fans. 

Faux Fans Everywhere… 

When walking around here though, I do find people supporting teams from all over the country.  I’ve seen a man with  a Yankees tattoo who has never been to New York.  As a part-timer at Banana Republic, my girlfriend Sarah calls out everyone with a Sox hat.  She shines the interrigation light in their eyes to find out if they’re true fans, or just paying lip service for their long lost uncle who once spent a weekend in Boston.

There must be something though… right?

So the topics of choice out here are PAC-10 football, the Portland TrailBlazers, and the San Diego Padres AAA affiliate, the Portland Beavers.  A valid point to make about the Beavers as a sports logo is that the leading cause of death for a Beaver is to be crushed by a tree it just chomped through.  I recently saw the Oregon State Beavers throw 4 interceptions to a measly Washington State team, that rumor has it, held open tryouts for their QB position this year.  The “Beavs,” as the alum call them, pulled it together in the second half and trounced the Cougars, ruining my perfect analogy.

As a result, the best I can do here is keep a running tab of the failures of Seattle sports teams such as the Seahawks, Mariners, and SuperSonics.  Well, maybe just the Seahawks and Mariners.  For the sake of humanity, I’m not going to do that.

What I will do, to pay homage to my old college profession, is follow the Portland Blazers.  I am looking forward to the annual Nuggets v. Blazers 420 Special on December 23rd.  I don’t know anything about the Blazers except that some fella named Greg Oden will play this year.  That’s enough to get the folks out here into a frenzy, and I think I’ll join them.  So you, me, and the bottle will make three learning all about Portland basketball and the NBA Western Conference.

Go Blazers!

Well the 2008 NBA Draft has been completed, and what a draft it was. We saw some great trades, some ridiculous ones, and Chris Wallace again stuck his middle finger sky high in the direction of Grizzlies fans everywhere. In addition, a record TEN freshmen were selected in the first round. It was an exciting, confusing night in the second-best draft in sports. So without further ado, here is your analysis on the most important things (the top 10 picks, and the Celtics):
1. Chicago Bulls - Derrick Rose, PG/Memphis

Can’t argue with the pick here. The only surprising part was the way ESPN reported the Bulls’ decision to take Rose as if it were breaking news. I mean, this was a foregone conclusion, right?

2. Miami Heat - Michael Beasley, PF/Kansas State

After all the discussion involving the possibility of Miami dealing this pick, one would think they weren’t lucking out wildly by getting Beasley at number two. The guy has talent and athleticism above anyone else in the draft, and you’re worried because he’s going to Miami? Why haven’t these concerns arisen for all their draft picks? These are college student-athletes, not Mensa-initiated Babysitters Club members. If you’re going to use a couple wild parties as an excuse to pass up on a gifted athlete (whom you absolutely need if you move Marion, by the way), maybe you should think of moving the stadium a few hundred miles north.

3. Minnesota Timberwolves - O.J. Mayo, SG/USC

This was one of the teams involved in the most fascinating turn of events in the entire draft. After drafting the best player available and the consensus number three, McHale & Co. dealt Mayo to Memphis for Kevin Love and Mike Miller. Minnesota now possesses a small, yet highly-talented front line with Love and Al Jefferson. Adding field sniper Mike Miller improves their scoring ability instantly as well. Overall the draft strategy was executed perfectly. The Wolves drafted the best player available, and used him to get the player they actually wanted in the draft, plus another high quality player for the backcourt. After shipping Garnett off for Jefferson and parts (some quality, some not), this deal almost makes up for it. …Almost.

4. Seattle Supersonics - Russell Westbrook, PG/UCLA

The Sonics weren’t able to get Mayo or Beasley by divine intervention, so they’ll be happy to end up with their next-best option. They’ve been desperate to get a quality point guard to take the pressure off Kevin Durant, and they believe Westbrook is their guy. Can’t say I disagree with them, as there wasn’t a point guard who was decidedly better other than Rose. They’ll be a great tandem to watch for years to come for all those new fans in Oklahoma City.

5. Memphis Grizzlies - Kevin Love, PF/UCLA

Before the NFL draft last year, the Miami Dolphins traded Wes Welker to the Patriots for their 2nd and 7th round picks. Then, they passed on Brady Quinn and used their first round pick on Ted Ginn, Jr. to replace Welker. Not surprisingly (to anyone except Dolphins’ Management, apparently), Welker turned out to be the better player and value, and Miami’s move proved to be only damaging in the end. With the Grizzlies shipping off Pau Gasol for a bowl of beernuts, then using their first pick on a power forward, this whole backward logic came roaring back to life. Fine. At the very least, they drafted based on need, and Love figures to be a very good NBA player. Then, Chris Wallace inexplicably dealt Love to Minnesota with their best shooter for another backcourt player! What team needs Javaris Crittendon, Mike Conley, Jr., O.J. Mayo and Kyle Lowry!? The only possible explanation I can think of is they’re holding young quality point guards hostage until someone gives them a quality power forward or center in return. Or maybe they should’ve just held onto Gasol. I’d keep going, but I think I’m about to have a stroke.

6. New York Knicks - Danilo Gallinari, SF/Italy

The Knicks picked up a unique talent and potential deadly scorer from overseas, and their loyal fans of course booed the 19-year-old kid. That’s New York, for you.

7. Los Angeles Clippers - Eric Gordon, SG/Indiana

A good choice for the Clippers. Gordon is a safe pick, based on need and provides them with a potentially great scorer. However, once again, L.A. will add another slightly above-average piece to their puzzle, and it won’t be enough to make the playoffs in the West. I hope everyone saw enough of Gordon in college, because it may be the last time you hear about him consistently.

8. Milwaukee Bucks - Joe Alexander, SF/West Virginia

People were debating this pick all night. His energy and athleticism rivals anyone in the draft, but he reminds me a little bit too much of Joakim Noah. Not that any team shouldn’t be happy to have a player who loves basketball and will literally do almost anything to win a game. However, he scares me in the way he seems to not have the greatest fundamental skills… and that’s an understatement. That said, I’m not sure there’s a better pick for Milwaukee, and I probably would have done the same.

9. Charlotte Bobcats - D.J. Augustin, PG/Texas

With Brook Lopez still on the board and able to fill a glaring need for the Bobcats, they chose to go with 5′4″, 84lb point guard D.J. Augustin. This is the first obvious blunder of the draft in my opinion. I know there were a few teams high on this guy, and I like watching undersized talents compete in the NBA as much as anyone, but you’re going to pass up on the best center prospect in the draft for a diminutive point guard who might be the 5th or 6th best in this draft? Just makes no sense to me…

10. New Jersey Nets - Brook Lopez, C/Stanford

Even New Jersey, which has been dumping salary and trading valuable assets for expiring contracts in an attempt to be the most ready team to sign LeBron James in 2010, couldn’t screw this pick up. Brook Lopez was the best player available for the last three picks. The contract Lopez eventually signs should include sending a thank you note to Michael Jordan and the Bobcats on behalf of the Nets.

11. Indiana Pacers - Jerryd Bayless, PG/Arizona

This pick was soon sent to Portland along with Ike Diogu for Brandon Rush, Jarrett Jack and Josh McRoberts. Brandon Rush will be a very nice compliment to T.J. Ford, for what is shaping up to be a very formidable Indiana backcourt.

I was planning to just do the top ten along with the Celtics pick, but felt I should include that trade. And now, last, but not least.

30. Boston Celtics - J.R. Giddens, SG/New Mexico

I thought this was the gutsiest, best late-draft pick of the night. The only thing I can seem to find wrong with the kid is that in college he was a head case. Really? A college student? Wait, we already talked about this. The point is, Giddens is now saying all the right things. He’s owning up to his mistakes, and saying he’s excited to play for the team that drafted him. The major point that everyone seems to be missing is that if you’re going to add a young kid who has had behavioral problems in his past, is there a better team to put him on than one with Kevin Garnett? He’s going to have no pressure on him to be a star or even get substantial minutes. In addition, he’s going to have leadership unlike anything that exists on any other team. If this kid is going to reach his full potential (which seems limitless from every scouting report I’ve seen), the Boston Celtics is the place it’s going to happen. As much as I wanted to throw my remote through the television when Ainge passed on Mario Chalmers when he slipped to 30, I’m not very, very comfortable with the pick.

Let’s just hope he stays out of the way enough next year, and he’ll be getting his first championship ring very early in his career.

In one three-hour romp through the collective heart of the Lakers, Finals MVP Paul Pierce and Co. brought Boston its 17th banner in franchise history, and a new expression.

After the Celtics were celebrating their victory with nearly half the fourth quarter yet to play, the dismissive blowout was perfectly captured by a text message I received from a friend as Kobe and Pau sat dejected on their bench. “The Celtics just Game-Sixed the Lakers.”

Just perfect. A phrase that combines the expression “deep-sixed,” the energy of a game 6 home crowd, and the sad reality for the team on the other side that the very unwelcome end of the season has just presented itself in a most embarrassing way.

In a series which was supposed to be the crowning of a new MJ, Kobe’s “victory lap” if you will, the Celtics dismantled and overwhelmed the Lakers in nearly every facet of the game. The knighting ceremony turned out to be for the New Big Three. As Bill Belichick would say: “They were simply better in all three phases of the game.” The Lakers were supposed to be the better scoring team, then the Celtics dropped 131 points in the deciding game. Los Angeles’ bench was supposedly much deeper and brought infinitely more energy, which proved to be approximately 7,347 miles from the truth. Eddie House, James Posey and Leon Powe outplayed everyone on the L.A. bench (and a few starters), with Powe turning in one of the best Finals games from the bench in the storied history of the Boston Celtics. Maligned backup point guard Tony Allen averaged more points per game than acclaimed energy guys Ronny Turiaf and Luke Walton. That’s simply not a formula for winning the NBA finals. In the one area that was supposed to be the biggest mismatch, coaching, Doc Rivers out-Zenned the Zen Master. Submitting a Midas-esque performance, his gutsy deicsion to go small in a game that got wildly out of hand early, a golden, ESPN classic comeback victory emerged. Just amazing.

In retrospect, it seems we should have seen this coming. The Celtics, while they hadn’t played exactly like the team they had been all season during the playoffs, had all the key elements of a championship team. High-energy guys, the kind of chemistry that made the Lakers look like a prison yard hoops team, and three-plus guys (KG, Pierce, Allen, P.J. Brown) so hungry for a championship it wouldn’t have surprised me to see them take a bite out of the Larry O’Brien trophy after they Game-Sixed L.A. Meanwhile, all of the Lakers weaknesses came back to haunt them, like a lack of a dominant low-post presence to contend with KG, and someone to keep an eye on Paul Pierce so they could let Phil Jackson know when he was completely taking over a game. At least this way they could switch Kobe onto him to slow him down. Barely.

I’m not sure how many times it will take people to learn that the superior defensive team wins the championship approximately 94.7% of the time. But, as long as my favorite team is on the “underdog that shouldn’t be anywhere close to an underdog, under any circumstances” side, I’ll just silently bide my time until I get to smoke a cigar at the victory parade on the streets of Boston.

In the end, Kobe turned out to be overrated.  He averaged just over 25 points a game when his team absolutely needed him over 35.  He played mediocre defense, with his best play coming on a steal that would have been ruled a foul if it weren’t in the closing minutes of a game the NBA needed the West Coasters to win.  And, most glaringly, Bryant incessantly yelled at and publicly humiliated his teammates when they desperately needed him to be a motivational leader.  Kobe played so far below his respective hype, that if the Lakers had won the series, he very well may not have been the series MVP.  That’s not even a biased statement.

Congratulations to the Boston Celtics, and the several players to whom championships were a long time coming:

Paul Pierce:  Who was forced into being a leader on bad teams, fought through so much, and stuck with this hurting, but proud, franchise for so long.

Kevn Garnett:  Who struggled with the idea of leaving the only NBA team he had ever known to achieve something that had been a dream of his forever.

Ray Allen:  Who had been a phenomenal scorer for so long without ever having the other pieces in place to reach the promised land.

and P.J. Brown:  The 38-year-old 14-year veteran who waited until 2008 to win an NBA championship.  Let it be known that he was not simply a poster boy for veterans jumping on board a championship caliber team in order to win the big one, but a key contributor of minutes, fouls, clutch shots and rebounds that truly helped the Celtics bring home number 17.

And to the rest of the Celtics, as well.  You’ve all made Red proud.  Happy 17th.

Surprisingly enough, I’ve received just enough supportive, insulting, poignant and offensive emails to make a mailbag entry. Thanks to everyone that contributed. Without further ado, away we go…

You obviously know the same amount about basketball as you do about fantasy baseball. Not only are the Lakers going to win this series, but the Celtics won’t win a game. Listen to the experts, great offense always beats great defense (and the Celtics D isn’t that great). Lakers will sweep, and KG will be known as the greatest choke artist in the history of the playoffs!
-Kyle G., Minneapolis

I thought this email was funny for so many reasons. First, obviously it was written before games 1 and 2 of the Finals, which made me laugh. The Celtics won the first two games of the series with rebouding, energy, matchups and a superior bench (Someone mentioned these beforehand, can’t remember who…). Also, this emailer used his second overall pick, and subsequent 2nd rounder in the mid-season league to select Milton Bradley and Cliff Lee. There’s no joke here.

And, lastly, the most irrational Laker fan I heard from happens to live in the city the team abandoned years ago. There seems to be abandonment issues here that I simply don’t have time to touch upon. Oh yeah, and his initials are KG.
Needless to say, these Finals are unfolding beautifully if you’re a Bostonian. With the exception of Make-Up Call Extravaganza ‘08 (Game 3), the Celts have shown extended periods of dominance where the Lakers have looked confused and helpless. Even if the Lakers figure themselves out, it will take the entire trio of KG, PP and RA alternating terrible performances, or horrendous officiating to turn this series completely around.

I thought I was crazy during game 1. Then during game 2, I couldn’t shake the feeling again. Could it possible be that Doc Rivers is out-coaching Phil Jackson?
-Steve, South Boston

Phil Jackson has two major things going against his attempt to coach this series well. First, his virus of a star player. This is the most harrowing obstacle he faces and I honestly couldn’t begin to attempt advice here. For every complex scheme, impromptu play, well-timed timeout and sagely piece of wisdom he hands out, Kobe shoots someone an evil glare, yells at a teammate, tries to coach the team himself or simply plays the way he wants to. Apparently by passing up shots to give teammates looks in the first half, he thinks he can create the illusion he’s unselfish and a great guy. As a Celtic fan, any time he’s not taking advantage of the one-on-ones the Celtics have thrown at him with Ray Allen, I’ll take it.

Secondly, Doc has nothing to lose here, reputation-wise. He’s the decisive underdog in terms of his team and his coaching ability. Historically, everything Phil Jackson touches turns to gold, and Doc is a media darling ex-player who has been stuck coaching a horrible team for a while. Who wouldn’t want that kind of cushion to fall on in case of a failure? “Well, at least it was to Phil Jackson and the best team in the western conference. I’m just Doc Rivers, it’s my first time here!” For PJ, the stakes are slightly raised. We’re talking beginner’s luck compared to Hall of Fame legacy. Until the Celtics win the series due to something related directly to Jackson’s coaching, I’m going to have to say no.

You wrote that Miguel Cabrera, David Wright, Josh Beckett and Johan Santana would be taking home the major awards this season. Want to rethink those now? Cliff Lee could wrap up the Cy Young by the 4th of July!
-Rich, Cleveland, OH

While I may have missed on my AL predictions (due to injury and an adjustment period I absolutely should have seen coming), I stand by my NL fortune telling. Johan hasn’t even gotten hot yet and is one of the top pitchers in the National League. Also, Wright survived his notoriously bad May performance with decent numbers, and is sure to light up opposing pitchers for the remainder of the year. Although admittedly it will take quite a performance to take Chase Utley out of the NL MVP driver’s seat.

Although I wrote Cabrera’s name for MVP in the predictions column, I don’t think I actually believed myself. There is definitely an adjustment period for players coming from the national league (AAA compared to AL pitching). Also, Beckett seems to be pitching without that murderous look in his eyes after his injury early in the season. While both of these players will be okay down the stretch, neither is looking at an award right now. For the MVP, it’s going to be a tough challenge to overtake Josh Hamilton and his 3,248 RBI pace. As for the Cy Young award, Cliff Lee certainly is having a great bounceback year, but he’s starting to come back down to Earth already. I actually will look to C.C. Sabathia (Yes, I realize he has eight losses), fresh off a complete game shutout, to absolutely dominate down the stretch of his contract year. If you need a pitcher in any fantasy league, now is the time to make a play for the big guy.

Does anyone know Kevin Garnett’s phone number? Someone needs to tell him to stay near the basket when that hook-shooting glacier is trying to guard him. Since Doc won’t do it, I figure I’d give him a call.
-Paul, Amherst

I’m not sure if Kevin Garnett is married or what his situation is, but someone needs to set up the situation from “Dodgeball” where Gordon’s mail-order bride is being romanced by David Hasselhoff in the stands during an important match. He immediately becomes furious and aggressive, and a better player. This NEEDS to happen with KG, or else I’m not sure he can become the player he needs to be in the playoffs.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate everything the Big Ticket has brought to the table this season, but I can’t remember any situation in the history of sports where one player seems to be holding so much of his talent back for no reason at all. So, Paul, no I don’t have his number. But, if you can’t come up with it, I’d also try David Hasselhoff and see what he’s doing tomorrow night…

Who is Boston has access to the memory eraser from “Men in Black?” I want to know who is responsible for making Lamar Odom forget how to play basketball.
-Kyle, L.A.

The man you’re looking for is Tom Thibodeau. His defensive schemes seem to have taken Odom completely out of his game. Although, badly bricking free throws and creating stupid penalties for himself were a consistent part of his game until recently, so maybe someone just reminded him how to play his old game.

Andy Pettitte is 5-5 with 55 strikeouts and an ERA of 5. Could he be headed for the most average season of all time? Is that even a legitimate superlative?
-Keith, NJ

What an unbelievable chain of events. He and Clemens are both named in the Mitchell report, Pettitte admits limited usage, apologizes, and that was that. Clemens vehemently denies steroids, appears in front of a panel of congressmen, looks like a complete fool, invents the word “misremember,” and while heading toward perjury charges, gets embroiled in a scandal involving an extramarital affair with at least one woman, with unsubstantiated reports of more. I have absolutely no idea why athletes even try denying use anymore. Even if one were completely innocent, it almost seems easier to admit using, apologize, and vow to be an advocate for fair play from then on. Just look at the list of admitted users who apologized, compared to people who denied usage, but were branded guilty by the public anyway:

Admitted: Andy Pettitte, Rodney Harrison, Shawne Merriman, Brian Roberts, Rick Ankiel
Denied: Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Gary Sheffield, Jason Giambi (I’m including him here because his half-ass apology may have been more of an insult than a flat-out denial would have been)
In every case, the first list members are accepted back and loved by their fans, with the second list’s members being written off as cheaters and liars. Amazing. It may be easier to lie about taking performance enhancing drugs if you didn’t do them than to clear your name if you’re truly innocent. I’d blame the society we live in if baseball didn’t absolutely bring this on itself to begin with.

Great site! You have some great points in your posts, and it’s very funny. However, you’re wrong about the Celtics winning this series… Everyone forgets the West is still the superior conference! The East hasn’t caught up that fast, Lakers will win in 7.
-DJ, San Diego

Can’t disagree with much about this email, except that the Celtics and Pistons have most definitely caught up. Maybe teams 3-8 in the playoffs weren’t in the same league as 3-8 in the West, but I would take the Pistons (when motivated) over almost all the Western playoff teams as well.

As a side note, for all those Laker fans out there thinking that Paul Pierce is a faker, drama queen, crybaby or whatever other name one would like to throw out there, read Bill Simmons’s article on ESPN.com from today. He has a great couple of paragraphs discussing Pierce’s comeback performances after being repeatedly stabbed and having his front teeth broken on separate occasions. When the guy says he’s hurt, he’s hurt. He’s done as much as any basketball player could possible do to earn the benefit of the doubt. That goes for you, too, Phil Jackson.

Thanks for writing in everyone, and emails are always welcome. Please send questions, comments or anything else to bobby@sportsomedy.com. Please include your name and location with the email.

Cats and Dogs. Macy’s and Gimbels. Red Sox and Yankees. Cardinals and Cubs. Army and Navy. Manny Ramirez and conventional hair styles. These are some of the greatest rivalries in existence, yet during the 1980s and into the early 90s there was none more fun to watch or be a part of than the one between the Boston Celtics and the Los Angeles Lakers. Now, almost 20 years after the rivalry was all but extinguished after the retirements of Larry Legend and Earvin “Magic” Johnson, the untimely passings of Len Bias and Reggie Lewis, in addition to years of bad luck and ineptitude from the Celtic front office, it has come roaring back. In as much time as it took disenchanted Pistons fans to exit the Palace at Auburn Hills while still booing their team with two minutes left to go in a playoff game that wasn’t a blowout, “Beat L.A.” chants escalated in decibels across the Bay State. East Coasters watched every video available on Youtube matching “1984 NBA Finals” while West Coasters searched for their old VHS recordings of the ‘87 Finals.

Of the 61 NBA Finals that have taken place, 30 have been won by either the Lakers franchise, or the Celtics. Of course, this is taking into account the championships won by the lesser-known Minneapolis Lakers team (Whose team nickname made a whole lot more sense). After these finals, half of the championships will have been won by these two teams. They have met ten times previously in the finals, with the Celtics going 8-2. The Green have won 16 championships overall, the Purple and Gold, 14. High quality teams with deep-seeded rivalries meeting in a championship series in a revival year for the NBA? It doesn’t get any better than this.

In what would seem like complete Karmic imbalance, David Stern has gotten his dream match-up. After letting the great sports city of Seattle get robbed of its beloved Sonics, he is sure to rake in a tremendous amount of money thanks to the best possible Finals scenario. Nationwide, many experts are already handing this championship to L.A. Based on the mind-boggling acquisition of Pau Gasol earlier this season, and the superhuman play of Kobe Bryant, it would be hard to make an argument to the contrary. However, the match-ups in this series are far more intriguing than one would think at first glance.

1. Point Guard: Derek Fisher vs. Rajon Rondo

Despite Rondo’s erratic and sometimes bewildering play in the playoffs, he has shown flashes of absolute dominance throughout. Fisher’s experience would seem to give him an edge here, but if Rondo builds off his momentum from game 6 in the Eastern Conference Finals, taking more and more of the open shots that are handed to him, Fisher simply can’t keep up. Slight Edge: Celtics

2. Shooting Guard: Kobe Bryant vs. Ray Allen

Nothing against Allen, especially the way he has played in the last two games, but having to compete against the best point scorer in the game at his absolute peak playing the best basketball of his life is just not fair. Luckily for the Green, James Posey backing up Allen will be the best defender Bryant has had to face in the playoffs. Edge: Lakers

3. Small Forward: Lamar Odom vs. Paul Pierce

Lamar Odom is a very, very good player. He may in fact be the best player nobody outside of L.A. has ever heard of. But, Pierce’s ability to take over a game (Game 7 against Cleveland), and his 150-point free throw percentage advantage give Pierce a decided edge. While on the subject, has any NBA player ever looked so much more awkward at the free-throw line in the playoffs than during the regular season than Paul Pierce? He looks as if he’s in the middle of a “1, 2, 3!” routine with Danny Glover and Mel Gibson from the Lethal Weapon movies. If you don’t believe me, try to count to three while he’s about to shoot one. After three fouls you still won’t know whether to go on a silent four, or go exactly on three.

Edge: Celtics
4. Power Forward: Vladamir Radmanovic vs. Kevin Garnett

This match-up probably should be Gasol vs. Garnett if Bynum were still in the lineup. But, unfortunately for the city of angels, this is a complete mismatch. Although Radmanovic has played admirably with increased playing time, just thinking about who is going to try and defend KG in the low post should make any Celtic fan giddy.

Edge: Celtics
5. Center: Pau Gasol vs. Kendrick Perkins

Let the complaints roll in from Los Angeles, but this is not as lopsided as it may seem. Although Gasol might be the best young 7-footer in the game, as well as a steal, and a perfect fit for the Lakers, his game still has holes. Perk has been a tremendous X-Factor for the Celtics in the playoffs, averaging nearly a double-double, contributing important defensive stops and playing the best first half of basketball in game 5 against the Pistons of any center in this entire post season. Pau Gasol has certainly raised his defensive intensity in the playoffs, which has added tremendously to the ease of some of the Laker victories. With all the love in the world to KP43 (Thanks, ESPN announcers)… Edge: Lakers

6. Coach: Phil Jackson vs. Doc Rivers

(This is the awkard pause where the actors wait for the studio audience to stop laughing before continuing with the scene) .700 career win percentage. 191-80 career playoff record. And, if that weren’t enough, after 102 games played, Doc Rivers still doesn’t have a definite rotation in his mind. Edge: Lakers

All things considered, this is a very even series, pitting the two very best teams in the NBA against each other. Because of the Celtics’ superior defense, as well as its surprisingly deep bench, the official prediction from this completely unbiased writer is:

Celtics, 4-3

Welcome to Game 7. I’ve chosen a running diary format to follow this game, mostly to save my sanity. Hopefully if I can distract myself at least a little bit by writing about what I’m seeing, it will take some of the sting out of Doc Rivers’ eventual sabotage of this season. So, without further ado…

3:33: Once again, we’re starting a home game in a haze because of the fireworks set off in the Garden. Are these really necessary? I’ve now gotten pissed off three times thinking the game wasn’t being broadcast in high definition because of these damn things. At least show them to us on TV so we aren’t just stuck with the aftermath…

3:54: LeBron just made a great play, and was commended by the commentators. Unfortunately, he took at LEAST three steps before the layup. I really hope these officials don’t give the benefit of the ‘Bron all day…

3:55: “And it’s easier to split the defense when you take three steps, that was a travel!”
Thanks for pointing that out. It’s nice to have an announcer who doesn’t feel like his job is in jeopardy for saying one bad thing about LeBron James.

3:59: Ray Allen puts a hard foul on James and forces him to miss a dunk. Even though LeBron makes both of the free throws, it was good not to have the momentum of a monster dunk go against us while we’re building a huge lead.

4:01: Rajon Rondo grabs another rebound, his fourth of the game. This kid is going to be a superstar. Today, I’m not sure I take another point guard in the east against him.

4:04: At the end of the first quarter, Boston is up 18-13. The Celtics are playing fast and look as if they’ll win this game. However, what should be surprising, but isn’t, is that LeBron James is the only Cavalier who seems to understand what “Game 7″ means.

4:13: Our announcers are now talking about Paul Pierce’s legacy. I hate hearing about this during a game 7 that is still very much in doubt. Isn’t “discussing someone’s all-time greatness during a game” included in the very definition of the word “jinx?” I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

4:15: Eddie House knocks down another jumper to put the Celts up 24-15. If the Green win this series, it will be no coincidence that Eddie House was moved back to the first Point Guard off the bench. While Sam Cassel sits on the sidelines looking like an extra-terrestrial, House is bringing a fiestyness and intensity, as well as a shot-making ability that Cassel simply can’t match at this point in his career. Kudos, Doc. It’s about time.

4:24: Right on cue, House wins a footrace with Wally Sczerbiak down the floor to a loose ball. Diving for it as the ball approached the line, he expertly tipped it back to Posey who almost made the layup while being fouled. Absolute momentum changer. Posey makes both free throws and the roof of the Garden almost blows clear off.

4:29: Eddie House falls while bringing the ball up, and Delonte West falls on top of him. Trying to get a pass off while West tries to strip the ball, a fight almost erupts between the two. For some reason a foul wasn’t called on West even though he didn’t have his hands near the ball while the two were on the ground. I’m not a basketball expert, but does that make sense? I suppose if you essentially tackle someone it’s fine as long as they’re still in their half of the court. Both are hit with technical fouls.

4:32: By the way, is there anything more humorous in basketball than a point guard jump ball? It always looks as if the referee is playing “Keep-Away” from the contestants instead of throwing up a ball for them to grab. Delonte West wins the jump.

4:42: So the announcers are clearly back on LeBron’s side after a foul by Kendrick Perkins. After Perk reached for the ball and James fell out of bounds, we’ve heard thirty seconds of comments about the star of the league getting “clotheslined.” I think after this series, LeBron needs to take over Glen Davis’s nickname.

5:00: Well it’s halftime and the Celts have a double-digit lead at home. I’d feel completely confident if it weren’t for that man in the suit pacing in front of the Celtics’ bench the whole game.

5:16: Cleveland has cut the lead to five points already. This is not the way the Green wanted to come out in the second half.

5:20: Shots are simply not falling for the Celtics right now. They’ve come out in the second half like they were in the last five minutes of a double header: Exhausted and desperate.

5:36: It’s only the third quarter and Ben Wallace looks like a boxer at the end of the 12th round. Remember when he used to be an impact player?

5:39: As if responding to my comment, Wallace pushes Garnett and is called for a foul that sends Garnett to the line for two. What a contributor!

5:41: Ray Allen bricks another open three-pointer, and he needs to leave immediately. If Allen got his shots to fall tonight, he certainly deserved a shot to be in there after his great season. But his recent struggles are just killing this team. Every time they give him a wide open shot, and a chance to break out of his slump, he kills their momentum as a way of saying “thanks.” This needs to stop NOW.

5:52: Another foul against LeBron James. Is it to the point in this NBA where it’s illegal to even get in the path of its darling player?

5:53: Celtics choose to put KG in sooner than normal in the 4th quarter, and put in House with Rajon Rondo. Two point guards again. Has this strategy ever worked for any team? Ever?

6:04: Pierce is trying to put this game on ice right now, and LeBron James keeps turning up the heat. This is how game 7’s are supposed to unfurl. Just as I’m typing this, however, LeBron James punches a ball out of bounds, grabs Pierce’s jersey so he can’t recover, and is granted possession. If LeBron gets one more call he may break the Michael Jordan record for most ignored calls in the history of the NBA post season.

6:24: Unbelievable. Of all people, P.J. Brown comes through with a clutch jumper. With his fouls bordering on flagrant and point contributions, is it possible he’s been a bigger acquisition than Shaquille O’Neal for the Suns?

6:25: The announcers calling for Hack-a-Ben. Nothing like the commentators asking for a more boring game. I hope no one can hear them.
6:30: LeBron James takes a bad layup and the Celtics rebound, effectively ending the game. By the time Ben Wallace fouls Ray Allen, Boston fans are already gathering in the streets to celebrate their first Conference Finals berth in some years.

6:35: Pierce makes two free throws to officially destroy the last shred of hope for the Cavs. As a Boston fan, I’m encouraged that the Celtics were able to beat both the Cavaliers and the referees tonight. It’s always difficult to play effective defense against a guy who has a free ride every single time he goes to the basket. I’m off to dunk my face in a bucket of ice water and take some intravenous Jack Daniels. Good night.